Period Pointers !!!

I had my period for a year before I told my mom. It took two years before I told my friends. For a whole year, I was a scavenger for feminine products that my mom would leave behind for my big sis. Screwwwww those times when I would look under the bathroom counter and my sister’s tampon savings account was empty. Needless to say, even now the only red dot specials I frolic for are the ones found on the 4-legged racks at Macy’s.

I never understood my giddy junior high peers that jumped for joy when their “Red Dot Debut” came along. It was hard for me to comprehend the elated nature the eeediots possessed for what to me, seemed like a curse. Ohhhhhh and let me not forget to mention the annoying mothers that celebrated their daughters’ “Coming of Age”.  How the hell do you take a bi-polar, cramping, BLEEDING kid to dinner and expect her leap for lily pads??? Ha! I can see the greeting card now:

 

                Congrats Our Little Debbie Cake,

                You are now a little Lady.

                Your boobs will swell, and pimples will grow…you’re gearing up for a baby.

                For five long days you will bend with pain and your mood will take a switch.

                Nothing but double up panty days and you acting like a B— Witch.

                Nothing but raging hormones now to make your days feel dull!

                Happy Period Day to our growing baby, you finally got your Menstrual!

 

                                                Sincerely,

                                                Parents that you’re free to start lying to.

 

Blah.

My mom was just as weirded out about the situation as me. No greeting card. No hug. Pure awkwardness. Awkwardness that for the first time, I was glad she reciprocated. Thanks Marcella.

Even to this day, I do my best to conceal when it is that time of the month. I stand before you proud to say that I, Kendra Mallett, in all my years (25 years) have never had an “accident” * Insert Grammy applause here*. I spend pointless money in Dollar General buying extra items to cover up one box of tampons on the cashier’s conveyor belt. The poor 63-year old worker at my favorite Dollar General now knows how to read my, “Fock off, scan the tampons, skip the ‘Howdy Do’’ face. The only joy I get during that time of the month is swinging my tampons or pads in the store pass a guy who was 33 seconds away from a bold, overused, “You got a man?” …

Maxi Pads: Cock Blocking Since Mary Kicked it with Joseph.

It was not until recently that I realized, I am tired of hiding. I now have a very curious year old little girl who has already discovered my tampon stash. She came running to me asking me to open the “candy”. There was no reason for me to blush. She definitely did not deserve to be fussed at. I cannot explain why I was embarrassed. That was when it hit me that I should not be.

Every female at some point in her life has “a need for the bleed”. One day, I want to give my daughter what I missed out on with my mother. I want her to comprehend that what is going on with her body is completely normal and necessary as a woman. It is to my beautiful baby girl Kollyn (KAH-LIN) that I dedicate this blog to.

I compiled a list of five tips, which I call “Period Pointers”. These pointers were created to help struggling girls and women embrace the same thing that helps define us as God’s most complex and creative pieces.

Here blows:

Period Pointer 1: Say It!

You know your period is coming well before anyone else does. Damn, I hope so. Point is, women should not have to avoid social gatherings, date night or any event just because of the red dot special. I have learned that the only thing that makes our cycle awkward is our inability to just…SAY IT. Practice saying it, plain out to your best friend, your sister… your lover. It helps. It may always be a little awkward with the member of the opposite sex but it aids in education. It yields the “yuck” and stops the stupidity that men…boys often bring when they hear the “Pounding P”. Learn how to say, “I’m on my period” and not feel awkward doing so.

Period Pointer 2: Silence the Alarm.

Nothing screams “I’m Bleeding!!” more than a female who leaves the room for a 6 minute break but  carries her B.A.B (Big Ass Bag) with her. The other thing that irks my twerk is the woman next to me in the stall trying to unwrap her maxi pad quietly to avoid being obvious. Sadly, the low ripping of the paper is more annoying than one big yank.  Ziploc sandwich bag are quiet, affordable andddddd reusable! Every morning while I am dealing with Monster Menstrual, I pack 3 Ziploc bags. Each Ziploc contains: 1 already UNWRAPPED tampon, 1 UNWRAPPED pad and 3 baby/Feminine wipes. When and if I have to leave the room, I can stuff that same Ziploc bag in a cute clutch or my jacket pocket. In a restroom full of women, these bags are quiet and make for easy, sanitary disposal.

Calendars may seem a little cliché but they get the job done. Set an alarm and mark your calendar for at least THREE days before your scheduled menstrual monster. This gives you plenty of prep time. When that alarm goes off or you see the cute blooming flower on your calendar, buy your supply of Excedrin (my personal fave), feminine products and be prepared to dance in the rain.

 

Period Pointer 3: The Salvation in Hydration

Water…Water…Water! Besides the fact that you should guzzle down water every day, water is a necessary essential while on your cycle. Most woman tend to breakout and cramp more while menstruating. Studies have shown that active water intake during and before help decrease the likelihood of both. Also, studies have shown that women that take in a lot of water are less likely to give off an odor during that time- which leads us to….

Period Pointer 4: Smelt it you dealt it….

 Ehhhh. I know, the ugly elephant in the room. I promised that I would address all the “icks”. Unfortunately the myth that women stink during their cycle is true. Well, partially. SOME women, release an odor during that time. For most women, the odor can be avoided. Proper preparation prevents putrid panties! Back to point 3, WATER HELPS! Secondly, washing makes a world of a difference. Yup! Simple as that! For many women, doubling up on their daily washing schedule makes the difference. Lastly, baby powder! Baby powder worn outside of the underwear can also help decrease any odor. Bottom, bottom line is, have ONE friend you trust and make a pact that you two will let each other know if the other is carrying an added odor.

Period Pointer 5: Rememba Dees Rememdies!

• Heating Pads absolutely work for cramps but if you do the math, they can become expensive. Try taking a bag of rice, microwaving it for 3-4 minutes and placing it on a damp cloth over the area you are experiencing cramps.
• Herbal teas are also known to help. I myself am not a heavy tea drinker but I do know that tea during any hectic time has the potential to ease out tension. Try it.
• Exercise…need I say more?
• Watch your diet. Avoid greasy foods and caffeine. Come on ladies, this is pretty elementary.

The previous pointers are in no way, shape or form advice approved by a medical professional. I would loveeeee to hear your Period Pointers! Please comment below! As always, I appreciate the love. Repost, retweet, share and comment. Follow me on Twitter and Instagram : @thegreycrayon  and my blog’s instagram: @PecansAndGrapevines .